My balls do exist

What we learned this week #7

So that’s it. My annual tour of hotels, convention centres and railway station cafes over for another year. And I almost got through it without getting a conference cold. October me is pleased that September me booked off tonight from Newsnight. Lemon, manuka honey and an early night beckons.

Before that, some things I learned this week…

CONSTITUENCY CONSPIRACY: When I launched my 5 Live show just over a year ago I wanted a feature that would get the listeners on every day, beyond “what do you think of the news?” which is already done well by other presenters. I decided to try to find a 5 Live listeners in every constituency in the country, to become a Member of Matt’s Parliament (MMP). Or at least with a loose connection to every constituency. It’s been brilliant, and so many of the MMP stories have stayed with me: Simon who climbed up Glastonbury Tor, sat down and realised he was sitting in someone’s ashes; Nicki who did a house swap with Neil Kinnock in Acton; James who served Earl Grey and mussels (yuk) to Lionel Blair in Bradford; Siobhan who served Bjork in a pub, wearing a large hat and floor-length black veil (Bjork not Siobhan). Just yesterday Jo won with a claim to Braintree that her boyfriend’s mum was Keith Flint‘s landlady. She inherited his hot tub.

Anyway, instead of doing them alphabetically, I’ve got three drawstring swimming bags (blue, orange and yellow) containing numbered ping pong balls. 0-6 in the blue on (because there are only 650 constituencies) and 0-9 in the others. Every day just before 2.30pm my guests help me draw out three balls from three bags, creating a three-digit number which corresponds with an alphabetical list of constituencies, giving us a totally random seat. If we’ve drawn that number before, we jump to the next one we haven’t done. Easy. Fun.

Well… on Tuesday we were at the Tory party conference, and out came 427. North West Essex. Kemi Badenoch’s seat! Crazy! A couple of weeks ago we were at Reform UK’s conference, the day Angela Rayner resigned and out came 018 – Ashton-under-Lyne – Rayner’s seat. Crazy! But just a bit of fun. Unless you’re a listener who sent me this frankly bonkers email:

Dear Mr Chorley,
I am not surprised that the BBC is making you lie. Such are the depths to which they now stoop. When Angela Rayner’s constituency was the number chosen on the day she resigned, I did actually think, maybe that is an actual random chance. But now this has happened for the second time,I’m afraid I not fooled. The BBC must think its listeners are such idiots. How can you stand working for them? The “surprise “ you had to show when you “realised” that the constituency pulled out was Kemi Badenoch’s was just so contemptible.
I listen to Times Radio mostly, these days , where I am treated as if I have half a brain.

I love the conspiracy that Tim Davie has a tight grip on my balls, but it really is random. And a bit of fun. Anyway good luck to my former colleagues with their new slogan: “Times Radio – where you’re treated as if you have half a brain.”

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A LITTLE BIT OF POLITICS: Never meet your heroes. Unless that hero is Ben Elton. I became a political journalist but what I really wanted to do growing up was put on a sparkling suit and take the piss. I think ITV’s 1990s revival of Saturday Live was my Ben Elton gateway drug, and remember adoring The Ben Elton Show – combining his edgy political comedy with the cosy armchair of the legendary Ronnie Corbett. (I thought 2023’s Friday Night Live on Channel 4 was great, and obviously ripe for recommission.)

I loved Blackadder, of course, everyone rightly does. But I also adored The Thin Blue Line, especially remembering. David Haig’s Detective Inspector Grim telling Rowan Atkinson’s Inspector Raymond Fowler: “I haven’t got time Raymond. If you get in the way I’m responsible. Your cock up - my arse!“ It might be the perfect joke.

Anyway Ben has written his autobiography, What Have I Done?, and it’s great. Packed with proper showbiz stories – saving Stephen Fry’s life, , dinner with Robert de Niro – and a little bit of politics, as you’d hope, including getting Tony Blair to scrounge a cigarette off Mo Mowlam and the night he did a 1980s benefit for miners, and Wham! turned up and got BOOED.

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CLOAK AND DAGGER: The start of Celebrity Traitors is even better than I could have expected, and is already rightly elevating Alan Carr to his status as a national treasure. On Wednesday on my show we had Lucy Powell, running to be Labour’s deputy leader after Keir Starmer sacked her from the cabinet. She noted she was going to miss the Traitors because she was at a hustings with Bridget Phillipson. After she insisted they would both be faithfuls, I asked if Starmer was a Traitor: “Well…” I pointed out that she’d been murdered by him. “He did… he did… he sent me a letter.” Before clarifying it was actually a phone call. Watch it here

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Tory conference was quiet. What do you expect? But not uninteresting. Some things I picked up:

• After doing Labour MPs a couple of weeks ago, this time I have texted every Tory MP I have a number for. I asked about Kemi Badenoch’s future, with a handful suggesting she would be gone by May, or perhaps even by Christmas. I asked Tory frontbencher Claire Coutinho what she thought of that: “Well look, this might be a good time to segue into saying that we are not going to pay benefits for mild mental health conditions.”

• Richard Fuller is shadow chief secretary to the treasury, which means he is deputy to shadow chancellor Mel Stride and the man who in the next Conservative government would have to make sure their spending numbers add up. He came on after Kemi Badenoch announced she’d scrap stamp duty. I asked him if this just applied in England: “So actually, I don’t know to answer that question, if I’m quite honest. Taxation isn’t my area.”

• There was a LOT of Margaret Thatcher at the Conservative conference. Mugs. Tea towels. Toby Jugs. Glasses. Her old frocks in glass cases (creepy). A stall taking small photos which merged into a giant mosaic of her face. A disco playing 80s hits to mark her 100th birthday. What of today’s leader? The Guardian’s John Crace asked where the Kemi merch was, and was told: “Nah. It’s back in the warehouse. We can’t get rid of this stuff.”

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See me live in exactly one month

Now only three tickets left in Taunton, and all of those are restricted view. A few more in London. If you like me wanging on here, on the radio, or the telly, you’ll love the live show.

• Taunton: Saturday November 8

• London: Monday November 10

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Right that will do for now. Do hit like and comment and all of that. I’ll be back on 5 Live from 2pm on Monday. Good week on the radio, including taking Elizabeth Day to PMQs on Wednesday. And then back on Newsnight on Friday.