‘I’m afraid to say she is a tart’
THIS WEEK: Who let the dogs in? | Starmer's pet project | Missing ministers
The “first day of school” cliche has been well-worn this week for a reason, with hundreds of new MPs turning up in the House of Commons to take their passes, locker keys, laptops and seats. Plenty has been said about the politics of this new parliament but the thing I have really enjoyed has been getting to know the people, many of whom are completely discombobulated to find themselves in parliament.
In 1997 Labour HQ was inundated by people who had agreed to stand in supposedly safe Tory seats. “You told me there was no way I could win,” they wailed. “What am I going to tell my wife?” Several similar conversations have been going on in homes across the country this week.
It means the chamber is probably more diverse in background and occupation, as well as age, gender, sexuality and race, than it has ever been. Anyway here are some of my favourite stories of the week.
1. Jennie from the Lib Dem bloc
I am a sucker for a dog. Particularly a Guide Dog. I got our dog from a Tory party conference in 2019. Not like a goldfish in a bag. But after chatting with the brilliant Guide Dog team on a trade stand, we applied for a “rejected” pup and a few weeks later welcomed Poppy (let go from the training programme on the grounds of “low willingness” – I know how she feels).
It’s been a while since David Blunkett and his dogs Sadie and Cosby were regulars in the Commons. But now along come Steve Darling, the new Lib Dem MP in Torbay, and his dog Jennie, who became such an instant hit after the first sitting that someone set up a spoof Twitter account in her name (which they are now trying to hand over to Steve, as if he didn’t have enough to worry about).
Jennie, though, is loving all the attention. “I’m afraid to say she is a tart,” Steve told me on my Times Radio show this week. “She loves being loved by other people.” He also revealed that Guide Dogs come in speeds – slow, moderate, and fast – and Jennie is seriously fast. I’m looking forward to meeting them in the Commons – if I can catch up with them.
2. Call me Al Pinkerton
The new Lib Dem MP for Surrey Heath (Michael Gove’s old seat until he scarpered) was all excited to get himself a spot on the back row for the election of the Speaker. Until…
“Nigel Farage turned up rather late to the occasion,” explained Al Pinkerton. “We’d all been there for some time gathering, and I had to move. I had to give up my seat.”
Which prompted me to ask for stories of when listeners had to make way or budge for a famous person. And Ed McGuinness, the Tory candidate who stood in Surrey Heath instead of Gove, got in touch to say: “I had to move out of the way for Al Pinkerton…”
3. Sing when you’re winning
Ann Davies is another person who didn’t expect to be an MP. A former farmer, teacher and councillor, she stood for Plaid Cymru in Caerfyrddin, and won.
In 1966 Gwynfor Evans became Plaid’s first MP, before the seat changed in the 1970s. It has now been reunited into how it was then, and her supporters wanted to give her the same send off that he’d had six decades ago, when a crowd sang the Welsh anthem, Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau.
She expected that at 6.45am she’d be lucky to have a handful of people. Instead around 150 turned up. “It was absolutely phenomenal,” she told me. It really was.
4. Doctor in the House
Arriving in a new workplace, it’s always nice to see a familiar face. Peter Prinsley is a surgeon at Norfolk & Norwich Hospital but stood as the Labour candidate in Bury St Edmunds and Stowmarket, which had a nominal Tory vote share of over 60 per cent. And yet here he is, arriving in the Commons chamber.
“It was one of those absolutely pinch me moments,” he says. “You see people that you recognise from the telly. You feel like you are living somebody else’s life.”
The very first person who came up to him on his arrival was Paul, one of the Commons doorkeepers: “Hello Mr Prinsley, how lovely to see you, you operated on my ear last year.” He was pleased with the results, apparently.
Peter is keen to keep his previous occupation quiet, saying it’s a “bit of a worry” that everyone will be asking for free medical advice. “There are difficulties hearing in the House of Commons, and quite a lot of members have got hoarse voices. There is quite a lot of work for an ear, nose and throat doctor.”
Although if Keir Starmer comes calling? “I might make a special exception for him.”
5. Please Miss, can I go to the Commons?
Josh Fenton-Glynn is the new Labour MP for Calder Valley, where he grew up and was a pupil at Calder High School. In Year 7 one of his favourite, most fun teachers was Mrs. Gardner, who it turns out is now the new Labour MP for Stoke-on-Trent South.
They came on my show today. Allison Gardner said she’d give herself a B for her first week, having got lost of a few times. (I still get lost now after 19 years in the place.) Josh said he would mark himself down to a C, because just before his swearing-in he went to pop into a side room to gather his thoughts, realising in the nick of time that he was about to let himself into the official office of the leader of the opposition. Well they have got a vacancy…
PM’s best friend
Because you can never have enough dog content…
Last week, just before he became prime minister, I interviewed Keir Starmer and asked him about all the important issues. Including rumours he was coming under pressure from his two children to get a dog.
“Our kids have been on a campaign to get a dog. We’ve been through all that. German Shepherd is the current favourite.”
I’m not sure about a German Shepherd, (although that might be because one jumped up with his paws on my shoulders barking in my face when I was a child). Joe Biden’s German Shepherd was so prone to biting Secret Service staff they were advised to carry treats to provide distraction. They also have a big tail, liable to knocking priceless antiques off thin-legged occasional tables. And after a big meal, it will be more than a handful to clear up.
So I asked Graham Hall, the Dogfather, for advice. He thought a spaniel would be a bit lively, and need too much exercise. Instead he settled on a dependable Labrador, happy to while away hours stretched out in front of an ornate fireplace like an extra in Downton. One word of warning: President Macron’s Labrador-Griffon cross Nemo was caught on camera cocking his leg in the fireplace during a meeting.
I obviously would suggest a Golden Retriever, although personal experience suggests that at a moment of national crisis Starmer would need to be reaching for the lint roller to get all the hair off his trousers.
OK, that’s two references to Poppy now, so here’s a picture:
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
After five years of hard slog on the opposition frontbench, hurrah for seeing a Labour government formed. Except, you’re not now going to be part of it. Fascinating graph from the Institute for Government, who have done the totting up I’d been meaning to do.
Keir Starmer’s frontbench was already about two dozen too big, thanks to creating made up jobs shadowing things which didn’t exist. But he has gone further, and fully 30 people who were on his frontbench until last week have been cast to the backbenches. To make matters worse for the rejects, 10 people who only got elected on July 4 have walked straight into ministerial office.
Obviously, with a stonking majority it doesn’t matter. Until it does.
This week I have/have not enjoyed
I bow to nobody in my admiration of Elton John, but I cannot in all good conscience support Disney’s “pop-punk” release of Can You Feel The Love Tonight, which sounds like a crossed between the Saved By The Bell theme, and when Hannah Montana/Victorious toyed with going off the rails before returning to some nice sugarpop.
The Times being leaked details of Kemi Badenoch tearing a strip off Rishi Sunak at shadow cabinet, but adding: “She spoke of the importance of shadow cabinet discussions not being leaked.” She must be livid.
Euros commentators trying to make “dispossessed” a word, when they mean “the idiot’s lost the ball”.
Fay Jones, the former Tory minister, writing in the Standard on what it’s like to lose your seat. “No more Liz Truss. Perhaps there are upsides…”
The news that Clean Bandit’s violinist Neil Amin-Smith has joined Rachel Reeves’ council of economic advisers. Ignoring the obvious joke about tenants of the Treasury being on the fiddle, your suggestions for other musicians to advise the government most welcome in the comments.
And that’s your lot for now. Until next time, tell your friends.
Respect the set of teeth^^
When Roy Jenkins won the Glasgow Hillhead by-election in 1982 and returned to the Commons after an absence of nearly six years, he wanted to sit on the front row below the gangway, as leader of the SDP. That was where Dennis Skinner habitually sat. Jenkins tried to explain that “twaditionally” the leaders of smaller parties were entitled to that spot. The Beast of Bolsover was having none of it.