Have I got news for you

My fat face all over the telly again

It was only a few days after my eighth birthday so I’m pretty sure I wasn’t watching, but it wasn’t very long after that that I became hooked.

On that first show, on September 28 1990, Angus Deayton was hosting, with the writer Kate Saunders on Paul Merton’s team, and Sandi Toksvig on Ian Hislop’s winning side.

Since then, there have been 600 episodes over 60 series of Have I Got News For You. As a teenager I was obsessed with it, bewildered and bewitched by the mix of news and comedy. It was smart, quick, naughty, sweary. Poking fun at the so-called grown-ups in charge.

I knew from an (absurdly) young age that I wanted to be a journalist, despite having never known or met one before.

But the idea that I might one day get on Have I Got News For You was outside my comprehension. So I was giddy when, a few days after my 40th birthday, I made my debut in 2022. I was on Paul’s team, and we won.

Ian had given me some great advice just before the recording started: make sure you speak. Too many new guests, he says, spend the first 10 minutes watching Have I Got News For You, forgetting that they are actually on it. And if you don’t speak, you definitely won’t make the edit.

He also gave me a reassuring “it’s going really well” face during the recording which I appreciated. Alexander Armstrong was hosting and was very generous, and Ria Lina, Ian’s team mate, was very funny.

Then I got the call up again in May last year. This time to be on Ian’s team, while Paul had comedian Desiree Burch.

It was hosted by Diane Morgan, who I have loved in Screen Wipe, Cunk on Britain, Motherland and After Life. As we waited in the wings she was nervous about hosting as herself, not in character. And I had the weird experience of trying to reassure one of our best comedic talents that she would be great. And she was. Paul won, again.

And now I’m back, and back on Ian’s team.

All the nerves and uncertainty of stepping into one of my favourite TV shows have gone. I know how it all works, I know the rhythm of the rounds, when to let Ian and Paul speak, but also remembering to speak too.

It also helps that the production team is such a well-oiled machine. They know exactly what they are doing, and when to do it. That the show has survived so long is testament to the production (and the fact that the news gods keep delivering).

I arrived at 5.30pm, first meeting the nice lady from wardrobe who opted for the blue shirt and navy jacket I had brought, and went off to tell Ian not to wear blue.

Then the producers came and took my food order (it was “vegetarian week” but the posh microwave mushroom strogonof was excellent). Then off to make-up.

Then at just after 6pm a briefing, where we are shown the footage we will talk over, and given the odd one out and missing words rounds.

We are not, I must stress, given the answers. It is a genuine quiz. (I became a bit obsessed with the scoring this week, having been perturbed to discover that the new US version on CNN doesn’t award points at all.)

It is also, despite what some disgruntled guests might have suggested in the past, definitely not scripted (apart from the host, obviously). We are only shown some of the pictures etc so we don’t all sit blankly for five minutes having a think. We are also discouraged from turning up with pre-prepared gags. What the producers want is a free-flowing spontaneous conversation.

Then after the briefing it’s back to the dressing room for dinner, and changing into my show shirt. And a bit of nervous pacing around the dressing room.

At 7.20pm the producers collect us and lead us to the studio where the warm-up comedian is, well, warming up the audience.

Lorraine Kelly, who is hosting, is giddy. She lasted hosted in 2005, and jokes that it went so well it took 20 years before they had her back. Ian arrives, not wearing a blue shirt. Paul does a good job of reassuring everyone, while his team mate, comedian Maisie Adam, is just very cool and nice.

And then we’re on. In all we record more than two hours of material, which will be cut down to just 28 minutes. A few of my lines went down less well than I’d expected, but then other things got a huge roar, which is always very satisfying. Still a pinch me moment for that teenager watching in his bedroom on the Somerset Levels.

At this stage I don’t know if my jokes about farmers, gravy, wrestling, hand washing, rats, and Captain Tom make the final edit.

Only one way to find out. Watch on BBC One tonight at 9pm and or later on iPlayer.

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It’s been a good week for people who want to see my big fat face on the telly. I was cold and damp, after spending hours at the farmers protest on Tuesday (including meeting Andrew Lloyd Webber and his dog Mojito) when I spotted Jeremy Clarkson.

What I should also have spotted was the Newsnight camera. While Victoria Derbyshire and Clarkson had a row, I’m in the middle holding a 5 Live mic, mute. The clip has been viewed 7.4 million times on X.

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At least he didn’t punch me

I only met John Prescott once. In May 2006, it had just been revealed that he had been playing croquet at Dorneywood while supposedly running the country. I was sent by PA to doorstep him outside the Indonesian embassy, which he visited following an earthquake.

I was the only person there, standing on the pavement in the sunshine, playing at being a political hack: “Are you going to resign?”

Prescott turned to look at me then turned away to walk in, muttering (loudly) under his breath: “Stupid boy.” On that day at least, he was right on both counts.

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As TV’s Lorraine Kelly said: “Matt Chorley has the ability to burst the bubble of politicians’ pomposity and show them in all their hilarious ridiculousness. Always acutely observed and completely on point – and loads of belly laughs.”

Find out if she was right by buying Planes, Trains and Toilet Doors.