I’m not a stand-up comedian. I know that. Not really. I’ve not done the open mic spots, or the tricky opener at a stag-tastic Jongleurs on a Saturday night, or played the Gong show at the Comedy Store. I know that some “proper” comedians find the suggestion that I might be like them laughable. (Although a laugh is still a laugh.)
Still, for the next two weeks I am going to stand on a stage and tell jokes and stories and make people laugh. So is that stand-up?
It all started seven years ago when I got a call from the fab Nicola Tuxworth at the Cheltenham Literary Festival, saying that she had heard that I used to do stand-up and would I like to come and do an hour on the wild, crazy, Brexity times we lived in.
A couple of things: I did not used to do stand-up. I used to be in a sketch group with my mates Will and Lewis.
But secondly, I’d always wanted to try stand-up (but it’s easier to just not) so yes I would like to come and do an hour on the wild, crazy, Brexity times we lived in. So I did, in October 2018, with a show called This. Is. Not. Normal. which led to a tour of the same name in 2019, and another called Who Is In Charge Here? in 2022 and then Poll Dancer in 2024. And now here we are, about to embark on a fourth, Making A Meal Of It.
I swore at the start of this year I would do some work in progress shows to build up enough content for a two-hour tour show. The day jobs (radio and telly) meant I did not do that. Instead I’ve got bits which I know work because I’ve performed them before, strung like festoon lights between new material which might light up the room, and might not.
I wrote the show for the first time using Scrivener which I loved (other writing apps are available). Each thought, each bit, each joke, could have it’s own text slug, which meant moving them up and down the running order was as simple as moving up and down the sidebar. No scrolling endlessly through Google Docs copy and pasting. It also meant I could really see the rhythm and the balance of the overall show.
Then I built the Keynote presentation (other slide building apps are available). I use slides largely because sometimes if I am talking about a politician it is useful to put up a photo of them (it’s amazing the noise you can get from just a picture of Andrew Bridgen). But it also acts as an aide memoire, which is useful especially if I am adding topical stuff to each show as I expect to over the next fortnight. Having the mad thing someone said that day on a slide is as useful for me as the audience.
I’m now at the stage where I can remember it all (well almost all) but am not sure if any of it is funny. I’m also sick of the sound of my own voice in the spare room/office (which isn’t big enough to do anything physical like fall over). There is also a silly costume hanging on the stair bannister which I’m still not totally sold on but will try it this week.
The suit is packed, the shirts are ironed. The various connectors and cables which plug my laptop into the theatre’s sound and projector system have been fished out of the bottom drawer where these things live. Must remember new batteries for the clicky-clicker (is that the right word?) too.
And then lunchtime on Monday my tour manager and mate Harry will arrive in whatever ill-judged car the hire company has given him, and we set sail for Norwich. Then home for Farnham, before Bristol, Lyme Regis and Oxford all this side of the weekend.
I’ve mentioned before (and to anyone who’s listened in the last few weeks) that this tour hasn’t sold as well as previous ones. (I’m not complaining, lots of people have bought tickets and the shows will be great – am merely musing.)
Turns out July, especially during record breaking temperatures, might not be the best time of year for trying to coax people out of their gardens and hottubs and into a hot theatre. Twitter is dead as a vehicle for reaching large numbers of people easily. I can’t plug the shows on 5 Live or Newsnight. Bla bla bla.
I also wonder if the appetite for talking about politics has changed. While my shows have always been “equal opportunities” in taking on all parties and politicians, the enthusiasm for laughing at the hapless Tories and Boris and Liz and all that might have been replaced by a weariness about the current government. Just a thought.
But one I won’t dwell on now. This is the exciting bit. Getting out there and seeing what happens. I know the show will change each night, and could be unrecognisable by the time of the last date (of this little run) back, fittingly, in Cheltenham.
It’s also the first time I have done this touring lark without having the radio day job to return to. My 5Live show is off for a fortnight for Wimbledon, so no mad late night drives or early dashing for trains to get back on air. Long hot days of travelling, before a couple of hours of, yes, stand-up.
Here we go then… wish me luck.
Utterly Pointless
In January 2023 Mariella Frostrup and I recorded an episode of Pointless Celebrities, to promote our shows on Times Radio. Two and a half years on – with us both having left Times Radio – our episode finally aired last night. Due to Mariella’s knowledge (or lack of it) about ancient Greek, we didn’t last long.
Radio Ga-Ga
On the subject of Times Radio, it was five years ago today, at 10:05am, that the mic went live on my first ever radio show. I uttered my first words (“This is not normal”) and off we went. I had such a brilliant time there, made some great radio and some greater friends.
When I left to join 5 Live last year I did so wishing only good things to Times Radio, and am pleased it’s still doing well and continue to support it. (So much so I tried to take out some radio ads to promote the tour, but apparently that wasn’t allowed.) Anyway, lashings of cake to the team, notably Stig and Tim who got the station on air and kept it there. What a thing.
For two decades I have feasted on politics, stalking the corridors, pubs and restaurants of Westminster. Now I have all the ingredients to cook up a brand new show looking at parliament's feuding food factions and how politicians really are what they eat. From Keir Starmer’s fish and cheese, to Kemi Badenoch’s hatred of sandwiches, from Nigel Farage’s proper milk to Ed Davey’s fig rolls, everything (and everyone) is on the menu.
WARNING: Politics may contain nuts.
As seen on Have I Got News For You (BBC1), Newsnight (BBC 2) and Lorraine (ITV1).
30th June Norwich Playhouse
1 July Farnham Maltings
2 July Bristol Redgrave Theatre
3 July Lyme Regis Marine Theatre
4 July Oxford North Wall
7 July Canterbury Gulbenkian
8 July Newcastle The Stand
9 July Edinburgh The Stand
10 July Birmingham Glee Club
12 July Salford Lowry
13 July Cheltenham Town Hall
8 November Taunton Brewhouse
10 November London Cambridge Theatre
Well that will do for now. Do hit the like button if you liked it. If you didn’t like it, just keep it to yourself, alright?
Due to music and music radio being so poor now I ended up listening to Times Radio from the start (thanks to Chris Evans). Thanks to the presenters, commentators and guests I feel I better understand a lot more about UK politics.
Your show was definitely the highlight but Hugo is doing rather well and I want to be Robert Crampton (that us when I'm not wanting to be Hugh Bonneville.
GOOD LUCK. Seeing you in London, when it is cooler.....